Ominously Lovely

Driving through amazingness mixed in with heavy dense storm clouds. Lovely.

Before I Was Kam

This one is of me, before I was "Kam".  

Since, I went back to Korea in 2010 to visit my orphanage and foster mother, I've been wanting to illustrate some of the  moments I experienced while there, but life catches up to you and nine months later I'm only starting to think about that time again.  

Tracing steps I never knew was truly a wonderful and fantastically surreal experience, and something I don't take for granted. I was an orphan until about 4 years of age, but never realized how long 4 years is to a child until I stepped back in time.  I never realized how much to-and-fro I did in the first year of my life. I had no stability, no home, no one who called me their own.  I was just another child in the crowd who shared the same quandary with those around them.  

The first 4 years of a child's life are supposed to be crucial and the most important. While there I remembered trying to get a sense of what I may have been like years ago in my birth town.  

Through past paperwork that listed my traits and now visual verification, I tried to mentally piece together my life in Korea. I would imaginatively superimpose my 4 year old body running around in the streets of my orphanage and for some reason this memory always includes me running around with a ball.  While growing up I never really thought much of Korea so I didn't spend my life hating that I was adopted and accepted my adoptive family as my actual family.

But, surely there were always remnants of my past memories seeping beneath my skin. I'm sure.  Memories that I could only appreciate as an adult.

I have a ton of footage from this trip (Korea and Thailand) and plan to compile it in a little video montage. I hope to do this soon.  After doing this piece I realized I'd like to later do a series of little orphan Kam. In this illustration the Korean hangul (alphabet) writing is my korean name, Young Eun Kim. 

It was an amazing and unforgettable experience and I have to share it here soon.  I keep saying "soon". I think I should rename my blog SOON.

Dead Wait

I keep saying I am going to update here, but I'm afraid I haven't been very good about it lately.  

There is definitely plenty happening and I feel busier than ever with endeavors and projects flying around summoning me.  I think Jason thinks I'm crazy with the level of work or ambitions I give myself.  I can't help it.  My body limits me, but most of the time I have to work just that much harder to maintain the level or standard that I did before. Still, it can get tiring, for sure, but I just don't know any other way.  

I feel like I'm running a never ending marathon with no water breaks, but at the same time I'm not prepared to sit around and do nothing - waiting, being sad or hoping for it to get better.

Not that I don't have my sad days. I most definitely do. I'm just not built that way, I guess. I don't believe in that.  Hope can only meet you halfway. It's a symbiotic relationship.  You can't hope to become more successful if you don't work hard.  You can't hope that the world had better people in it, if you yourself don't care about others. Or the cliche saying - who said it? "you can't hope to win the lottery, if you've never bought a ticket".  And, you can't hope that your friend will get better, if you've never helped them.

Just waiting around can cause "death".  

However tiring, I think I would rather reach the end of my life really tired from living out too many ambitions or for others, than well rested - living leisurely and just for myself.

It's been a time of alot of changes in many aspects, professionally and personally. Some that requires picking a new direction where new opportunities and new experiences await, and other changes that I don't really get to pick, but forced to adapt to.

Crossroads, if you will.  I have a bunch of updates waiting to be posted. I wish I had more time to post here.

Until then, I've gotten back to illustrating lately and should probably upload them here. This one is my most recent.  I woke up this morning and immediately my arms began to talk to me. They felt heavy. Heavier than yesterday.  

I don't like feeling my arms weaken. It's an experience I'm not sure I could describe.  Everything is in seemingly slow motion. This is no fun ride and I'm doing my best to tell myself everything will be ok.

Though, the feeling is a similar experience to my legs, it's different in its own right.  My arms feel heavy - like dead weights hanging and every so often another sand bag gets added while it awaits my body's breaking point.  I dislike this feeling immensely but I feel like I have no choice, even though, at times, I still dissect potential escape plan routes to see if somewhere a choice is hidden and I just missed it.

Instead, it tells me, "You have no say in this...just wait".  I sense the convergence where my arms meet my shoulders and it feels considerable.  

So, this is how I could visually communicate the feeling - bags of sand weighing down what already feels like a wooden body.

Morning Pastures

A little early morning inspiration before a day of drawing - a beautiful morning in the rolling pastures. Started out in the woods, then through farmland, grazing pastures and emptied out into the rolling hills flanking the shore.

There is nothing I like better than exploring, it temporarily satisfies my unremitting need for stimuli. 


I've been cranking out illustrations for a Pecha Kuchu presentation I've been invited to give this Monday in downtown San Fran. The rules: 20 slides, 20 seconds each. I've decided that each of my slides will be hand drawings. I'll post them and be back here soon. Have a wonderful weekend :).

http://pecha-kucha.org/night/san-francisco/44

Bike for Kam, It's a Wrap

Well, the project has come to a close...almost.  At least as far as the website and material, I am done!

B4K succeeded its $20,000 goal and we are still going.  This week the team found out that we are finalists in ABC7's Pay it Forward Contest.  ABC7 gives seven (soCal) people $7,000 and they pay it forward to a worthy non profit organization that will do something good with it.

We find out if our little B4K wins May 23rd.  I have to fly back down to LA in a couple days for the ABC7 interview.  Anyways, I will give a better update later.  I have alot to share, the problem is getting here to share it ;).

Meanwhile, I did a final B4K wrap up post for all those who supported and obviously for the guys who did the bike ride.  Below is a compilation video I put together of their 500 miles using their mobile phone and handlebar footage they took from the road.  

"Rather than explaining the gamut of their journey and the crossing of the finish line, I thought it would be fitting to end the way we began; through the guys and their words.  From the six of them I collected their mobile phone video clips, handle bar camera footage and pictures and assembled them into one sequential video compilation as a ‘thank you’ to everyone who supported us.  I also wanted to did it for the guys, you know, so when they are in that reminiscing mood they have something to visit  .

While, I don’t directly know every person who donated or have your emails, so that I can send a personal thanks, I thought I would express my  gratitude the best way I know how…through sharing.

I guess I wanted this project to be more than just clicking the, “submit” button on your credit card transaction, I guess I wanted you to also get something out of this and feel like you were along for the ride.  I hope you did.

I’ll keep my final words brief. If you have been following us, I guess you know I am not that brief. It’s something I am working on.  I guess by now we figure if  you are following us then you don’t mind the length of a post in exchange for the story.

Swiss Psychologist, Carl Jung, said, “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

Surprisingly, what was an effort to raise some money and expand awareness turned into much more.  It was about relationship building, growth of personal expectations and another memory to file away in our personal scrapbooks.  The people we meet and the decisions we make effect and create new potential blocks in our personal space.

While, I am ecstatic about the project’s success, expanded awareness and reaching our 20K goal (!!), I’m almost equally delighted by the guy’s reaction to the ride and this project.  The things they have shared and how much they learned is truly gratifying for me.  There are different types of friends you make throughout your life.  The ones you befriend for social reasons to party or shoot the breeze with, and the ones you meet in difficult situations that encompass the realness of a relationship.  I’m  concerned with the intimacy of their lives, their personal growth and I am selfishly satisfied that Mikey, Hieu, Ted, Viet, Andres and Ben received a little something from this project.

The project, though focused and organized, sort of developed organically.  It was alot of work; the sleepless nights, the endless campaigning and was my first real grassroots event alone and with this team. I didn’t know what to expect from the guys as some of them self-admit their disorganization or “flakiness”.  However, I experienced none of that.  They were truly committed and they showed me how they care not just through words, but by showing up all suited for action, and though we were all new to it our passion was enough to push us forward.  My instructive emails to them were overflowing and I am sure many times they thought I was crazy, but, we had the best time together.  I didn’t anticipate the amount of work it required for the project to strike a consistent beat, but it had a momentum of its own and we were all along for the ride.  At times it felt like we were kids on the neighborhood block.  Me with my tin can connected to them through a string with them on the receiving end as they set up camp.  ‘Bike for Kam’ was hard work, fun, creative, dangerous, unpredictable, team work, camaraderie, smelly? and all the things in between.

The project bought added understanding that while we all face some challenges and uphill battles, we can make it through and even more so through the aid of an extended hand of a friend. Every time I tell my story my personal realization meter goes up.  The memories of my once physical moments drip over me like a second skin of remembrance.  “I can’t take my mind off you…not even if I tried.”  It serves as a constant reminder of what I should strive to work towards.  Not just a cure, but building myself and to care and love the things I choose, and sometimes don’t choose, to give my attention to.  To constantly grow and improve.  The loss touches me in ways I’ve never been touched before, experiencing seemingly dissimilar parts painted in one broad stroke that sometimes blurs the good and the bad.

As Mr. (Fred) Rogers says, “You rarely have time for everything you want in this life, so you need to make choices. And hopefully your choices can come from a deep sense of who you are.”

I thank everyone that donated and showed their support.  To my friends and family; from west coast, to midwest, to east coast and to those abroad, thank you for always being there.  Your support was than motivating to our little team.

To my friends, Andres, Viet, Steve, Mikey, Ted, Hieu, Ben and Romeo, thanks for doing this trip with me.  At times I felt like the producer, mother hen, and one of the guys.  While I know Andres, Viet and Ted, I met Mikey, Hieu and Ben only through this project.  What nice guys.  They, and their social circle, went out of their way for me the way any lifelong friend would do for their friend. Their parents should be proud.  Thanks to Andres, Viet and Ted whom I grew closer to throughout the course of this trip. I won’t get sappy.  I tell you how I feel all the time, but you guys are great.

I’ll carry the memory of this project when I struggle with the simplest of tasks, a task, for some, that is as effortless and equivalent to breathing.  I’ll remember all the great support we found here.  100% of proceeds goes to ARM and HIBM Medical Research.  Just because Bike for Kam is finished, doesn’t mean you can’t stay involved.  Visit ARM once in awhile and see what they are up to. "

Check out what the guys had to say for their final words through text, podcast and video memo form.  (Click Here)

 

Like Clockwork

2 AM wake up call. She and I are 'ol friends. Like clockwork, I awaken at the same time every night. I wake up feeling like I'm bored of sleeping and don't return to slumber till 5am. Not sure why.

Bike for Kam Finish Line - Day Four, Five & Six

The guys crossed the Santa Monica Pier finish line Saturday, April 30 at 3pm. 6 days, 500 miles.

Today, we also offically reached our 20K goal and numbers are still rising. I've been away from my blog for awhile now, but I will be back soon. I kind of wished I would have kept up with my blog during the creating of this bike project because alot happened and there were moments that were really tough and moments that were really amazing.  

I said it before, but working on a project where you yourself is the subject can be difficult, trying and sometimes I was surprised and sometimes it was all too real to me.  

Odd, since for the past 4 years I have been no stranger to putting my life out there.  If I can, I will write down some of my thoughts here at a later date, but until then read the final days of the guy's bike ride. It was great.

I copied and pasted their Day FOUR, FIVE and SIX online bike journal from our website.  Read about their journey below.

Day FOUR: Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Today would prove to be the toughest and most miles biked in a day thus far.  With 120 miles under their belt the team experienced some difficulties, but also great enjoyment and supportive team work.

Because of the Gorda landslide from Day THREE they were forced to take an alternate route.  One of these suggested routes potentially would add on an 4 extra days to their trip, days they couldn’t afford to add since Ted has a wedding to attend this Saturday. A friend’s wedding that he has known since grade school, so there is no option in missing it.  

Rather than the team separating and sending Ted ahead the team is committed to pushing themselves as hard as possible so they can stay together and arrive at the final destination together this Saturday, April 30, 2011 at Santa Monica Pier.

Depending on how the next couple days go will affect this preferred goal.

Again, I’ll do my best to recap here.  I have a page of daily chicken scratch notes where I jot their stories down and later re-write them here.

We hope you are enjoying these updates as much as the guys are enjoying the ride.  Last night they texted me at midnight and were just arriving at a resting stop. It was a long day so instead we did our daily catch up call at 7am this morning.

They achieved the entire loop circumnavigating the suggested Big Sur route. Later they were told by a road worker that this was a wise decision as the Naciemento-Fergusson road is brutal, grueling and entirely downhill.

If they had time on their hands the team may have tackled the challenge, but alas they have jobs to get back to, and Oh, that childhood friend’s wedding. Can’t miss that.

They owe much assistance to a great tail wind that pushed them through the Valley, and while riding the not so dangerous shoulder they took advantage of the wind as far as it would take them .  

They considered it the most entertaining and fun ride thus far. Strong tail wind, flat beautiful land with crazy rolling hills peaking in and out, great company and a slingshot peeking out of their bag.  

They said the Valley felt like a roller coaster and for about 5 miles they almost didn’t need to pedal. Winds were pushing them and they were moving fast. They had so much fun on this stretch that they kinda wanted to go back to the front of the line and do the ride again. Yes, just like a roller coaster.  

One of the highlights of the day was riding through the valley past a field of migrant workers. One big Mexican fellow held up his farming tool saying, “Keep going, homies Keep going!” At this point the field followed in unison screaming and raising their tools.

With busting stomachs, and needing some major food load up, they stopped in Gonzales for a Golden Arches pig fest.  It is estimated that each of them is consuming 8,000-10,000 calories a day. Voracious appetite isn’t quite an adequate word. They just can’t get enough food.  

Andres himself made three trips to the McDonald’s counter, which is probably about 4,000 calories and $30 in one sitting. Viet one upped him with four trips to the counter.  

But, no time to linger, they needed to devour their food as fast as possible and hit the road. They even strapped some of their carry-out burgers to their bikes.  

”Save that for later“, they say.

They arrive in King City. Kind of charming, slightly eery, industrial, full of farm equipment and huge trucks. They stopped to eat the sandwiches they had strapped to their bikes back in Gonzales city.  Good thing the goods were safely buckled in.  

While there a local told them the road they were going to take would be a problem.  The guys were trying to go straight south but this road would take them back east inland to some really windy hills.  The road was also privately blocked by the owners. The local suggested that a faster route would be the 101.  At first they were hesitant, but gave it a try.  Everything was fine. A nice wide shoulder with fast traffic and lots of big rigs passing on by.

They arrive in San Ardos, a small town where they met some interesting locals. The guys were looking for directions and came across an old, tough and gritty gentleman with a little hyperactive boy who would only stop running around and flinging bottle caps for some beef jerky that the Bike for Kam team offered him.  

They asked him for directions and his reply was, “Just get on the freeway (101), cops won’t fuck with you, just tell ‘em about Kam!”  

Needless to say these guys were excited and supportive when they heard why the guys were riding. For Kam.

They met their friend, a drunk Mexican fully loaded with tattoos all over his body, and every time the guys would finish a bottle of water or Gatorade he would ask them if he could have it for the recycling bin.  

Ahhhh, a gentleman who cares about the earth…or 10 cents.  

They were told San Ardo is where a lot of people with sketchy pasts hide out in and they happened to meet such a fella while passing through town. At least they met the back of him.  

The guys asked to take a picture with him and he replied with, “no, no, absolutely not“, jumped in his truck and took off at full speed.  

Later, as they were biking out of town they spotted his truck a few houses down.  

Obviously, he’s not very good at hiding out.

The team was excited. They were covering alot of ground despite the enormous amount of highway debris cluttering their path. Not just a wrapper here and there but trees, bottles and huge patches of garbage that required careful navigation.  

Out of four days they managed no flats, but on this highway of trash it was bound to happen. Viet gets the first flat of the group with a big rip in the side of his tire.  

With unwavering traffic streaming past them he was able to quickly put a new tube on and get it back to form. Ten minutes later it was Andres’ turn.  

Hey, they do things as a group.  Those who flat together, stay together.

Andres gets a rear flat and changed it as fast as he could and jumped back on the road.

Five minutes later Andres gets another flat.  The first time he had missed a piece of wire stuck in the outside. He quickly changes it and the team continues on.

The shoulder was nice and wide, but parts of it disappeared and they were also dealing with carefully timing when they could ride past the on and off ramps.  As a team they safely got through the messy traffic; a true 8 bit game of Frogger.

By this time night was drawing in, so on went the bike lights and christmas lights for all to see.

All of a sudden the 101 shoulder becomes crazy.  They said it was nothing they had ever seen before as the whole thing was segmented and was like riding over a giant ladder. It was brutal. Speed bump after speed bump of chewed up concrete bouncing their bikes to the point that it may have “knocked some fillings out”.  

Everywhere, there were rocks and debris that had slid down from the hill.  On a broken highway…under dark skies…with a heavy load.  

Suddenly, Hieu gets a pinched flat, something he didn’t even notice until Viet pointed it out. Hieu’s flat was the most difficult flat of the day.

The time they thought they would gain on the 101 they were losing because of all these flats.  

Goodness, at this rate they could have set up a bike shop on the side of the road.  

With four flats ,land no down payment for their ”shoulder bike repair shop”they decide to retreat and exit onto mission street.

Ahhhh, yes. smooth flat side road never looked so darn beautiful. Despite all these catastrophes spirits have never been so high.

The more catastrophes, the more they laugh.  

The more difficulty, the more they push forward out of pure enjoyment.

Miguel is the next city, but unfortunately full of nothing, so they have to bypass it and press forward to Paso Robles, a slightly more bustling city. At this point they are riding on a flat road along 101 and 3 or 4 miles past San Miguel with 8 more miles until they reach Paso Robles.  

Crazy hungry all they could think of was the land of food that lay before them.

Just a little more pedaling and soon it will all be worth it.  

Having fun riding through the night they felt like the Goonies with food as their hidden treasure and motivation.

At this point they were over 100 miles; exhausted, achy, in pain and hungry, and yet the pure satisfaction of accomplishment and strokes of humor gave them enough adrenaline to keep pushing forward.

Finally, they arrive in Paso Rablos!! By this time there wasn’t much open except Denny’s.

You can always rely on good ol’ Denny’s. You can only imagine the pig-out session they had. They piled into the restraurant with aching bodies and open stomachs.  

A few of the guys are experiencing injuries.  Viet’s achilles tendon started hurting way back in King City. He switched his pedaling style to help relieve the pressure and it seemed to take some of the stress off.  

Ben has some knee problems, Ted has hip pain from when Ben and his bike collided and flipped earlier and Andres has lower back pain and his achilles tendon, an old wound, has flared up once again.  

They admit that they probably over did it, but don’t necessarily regret it.

Midnight and 15 hours later everyone is just a little delirious. On the road Ben was hallucinating and began seeing bunny rabbits. Good thing Andres didn’t see them, because he would have ripped out his slingshot and tore that dream to shreds.  

After a day like this they decided that the team earned a night in a cheap hotel where cheap beds and bubble bath awaited them.

Again, the team is getting stronger and enjoying the open road as much as it could be enjoyed. The dynamics are changing. At the beginning of the trip they were a little softer and couldn’t handle exhaustion as well, so would stop frequently for food and rest, but now they power through it and support each other’s pace.  

Mikey and Hieu were specifically praised.  Viet, Andres and Ted are probably the most experienced riders of the group, but still haven’t done anything like crosscountry before, but Mikey and Hieu are JUST getting into it. Mikey only had 2 weeks of conditioning prior and Hieu is not an experienced rider at all. Really, Mikey and Hieu’s commitment to helping ne, someone they barely know, was one of the major reasons of joining the ride despite their inexperience with extreme biking.  

They were nervous at the beginning, but didn’t allow the nerves to stop them from joining. By the fourth day they have really grown and as Andres proudly praises them, he states that they are handling it really well.  120 miles fully loaded is hardcore and hard for any experienced biker. Keeping up, never whining or complaining, they just powered through it with smiles.

The most vital part of their body that they are learning, and using, is  their psychological muscle.  Despite the difficulty on their body their spirits are high and everyone is having fun – loving every minute of it.  When it hurts it only helps motivate them more.  

I found this interesting as this is how I feel about my body 24/7.  When I am truly struggling and I can’t do the most simplest task, I may cry, get discouraged, get sad, but then I retreat to motivation - even when it hurts.  

It doesn’t mean that this motivation will allow me to do a physical task that my body just WON’T or CANNOT do no matter how much I push, but at least I can mentally precede and do my best to pick myself up.

I hope I am doing the team’s journey justice on here. As I sit here behind the computer receiving their updates, pictures, stories and laughter I am very proud of them and in a way feel like I am there with them standing on their bike pegs. Even apart we are still acting as a team.  I hope you feel like you are there with them, too.  

On that note I will leave you with one final image, because it is my favorite and it’s what makes me proud of our little team. The team has met alot of people on the way and many of them cheer on their efforts. They’ve also come across alot of other cyclist (groups) doing the same ride as them.  They passed one small group of cyclists fully decked out in matching sponsored outfits, carbon fiber bikes, carrying no load and the traditional tall, thin toned cyclist proportion.  

But our group is different. The guys aren't sponsored or professional cyclists with years of touring experience.  Not exactly tall and lanky, conditioned or well versed in touring.

Not exactly the most impressive bikes, compared to the pros, or sporting matching attire nor followed by mobile tent cities and road support.  

My friends consider themselves the ‘Little Rascals’ out there doing their best for their friend, for the adventure and with their bags of toys and tricks and endless boy-like humor trailing behind and in front of them.

They are attempting to arrive in Los Angeles by Saturday and I will be flying in to meet them at the finish line.  Please show your support by DONATING and sharing our journey with your friends. Together, we can do this!

TO VIEW PICTURES FROM DAY FOUR CLICK HERE

By Day FIVE: Thursday, April 28, 2011

By day five the ‘Bike for Kam’ team has developed quite the system.  How they bike as a team and how they relay messages to the stationary San Francisco girl behind the computer screen.

They have developed a routine and so have I. I feel like I’m on constant call. The first night I could barely hear Andres’ take on the day and was scrambling to make sense out of the notes I had just written. Now, I have the laptop open, Microsoft word launched and my earphones next to me ready to be plugged into my phone.

I can’t hold the phone while writing/typing. Heck, I it's harder to hold a phone. As time passes my phone feels heavier and heavier.  

It’s not changing, just me.

As soon as I hear their ring, though by now I sort of predict their call time, I drop everything, plug in the ear phones and ready, set, go I’m ready to listen to their nonsensical count of the day.  

Then, by morning I grab my oversized cup of coffee, sit at my desk filled with dinosaurs and toys and get to work on putting everything together. Usually takes hours and hours.

I told them, “Stop sending good stories, I don’t have time to do anything else!“

The last couple days this routine has occurred at midnight since they have developed quite a liking to biking into the night. I think they consider themselves outlaws on bikes…I’m not too sure.  I’m curious what they have named themselves.

But, for Day FIVE we played a little phone tag.  Last night they called me at midnight as they were just setting camp, and I think for once I was sleeping and out like a light. I answered the phone and Andres could tell I was not quite there, so right away suggested we do this in the morning.

“Sure“, I mumbled.  

Later, I woke up at 3 AM and poked Jason asking him if the guys had called yet. I didn’t remember.  6 AM I get their next call, yet again I was sleeping. I thought it was my alarm.  

I called them back right away, but they were already en route.  

Ted texts me, “We have a climb right now into Lompoc. Will call in about an hour when we break.“

I jump in the shower (well, not literally jump or else we wouldn’t need to be doing this bike campaign) and then I receive “the call”.  

I text right away, “one minute“ and get out mid-shower knowing that I may have to wait a few more hours until their next break.  I have to be on call and on their schedule.  

Ughhh, I’m not sure who they think they are. What, are they biking 500 miles or something?

Because of the long and difficult ride from Day FOUR, Day FIVE was a late start to the day. They needed to recover and were snails on the road by noon. The delay may also have something to do with Mikey needing to stretch out Viet’s sore achilles tendon (above).  

Hmmm, I’m not sure how long it takes to "stretch", but I’m not here to judge.

First, they hit…yes, you guessed it, McDonalds for some major heaps of breakfast. After the grease slam they hopped back on the road.  

The song, “On the road again” has a new meaning to them.  

Starting out slow and taking it easy they hit a few rolling climbs and pass Paso Robles farmland. It was hot. The weather, not the farm or the animals on it. Get your mind out of the gutter.

Rolling back onto the 101 they come across some fascinating roadkill including a really pretty owl. Hmmm, bad omen?

No more guiding spirits for them or depending on what tribe you are from it may mean a lifting of a curse, or a reprieve of sorts.

Either way, it was a dead owl in their way.

Ted was riding behind Viet and noticed a bolt popping off of Viet’s bike.  

A bolt just “suddenly” popping off sounds suspicious to me. I wondered if he was the victim of some practical joke. Maybe Ted, a joker, did it so he could become the hero.

You know, knock them down so you can pick them up.  

”Oh, Viet your wheel is falling apart. Gee, I think I just saved your life. No, no. no, applause needed.”  

Viet hopped off and gave it a temporary fix.  Getting closer to San Luis Obispo they rode a beautiful downhill 45mph glide on the 101. Nearing San Luis Obispo they luckily found a bike shop with a friendly tech who helped them get the parts they needed to return his bike to safe shape. Still, no one knows how the bolt “accidentally” fell off.

It’s under investigation.

As they stepped in San Luis Obispo they were tragically taunted by rows of farmer’s market selling gorgeous BBQ that locals were lining up for. Finally, real food and they didn’t have time to sit and eat. The cruelest moment ever.  

For Day FIVE their strategy is less sit down meals and more grab-and-go, quickly grabbing food at gas stations so they can continue pedaling forward fully knowing they would be biking into the night.  

Afterall, they needed to make up for the late start caused by Mikey and Viet’s “stretching”.  

However, while in San Luis Obispo, they did have time to learn and play trombone, trumpet and french horn.

Indeed, priorities.  

True entrepreneurs. The “side of the road repair shop” business didn’t work, perhaps they could start an orchestra?

They also met Nunca Mirea Atras, a race dog whose career abruptly stopped because of a broken leg. Of course, Ted, the dog lover and lover of all furry creatures, made an instant friendship with her. Ted loves animals and I am sure on many occasions has talked Andres out of slinging an unexpecting squirrel, an imaginary rabbit or an aimless wandering turkey.

Pismo Beach is the next stop and it never looked so beautiful after 2 days of 101 highway full of trash, roadkill and big rigs.  

Throwing down their bikes, bodies and gear they enjoy a well-timed sunset and debated whether or not to camp there or proceed to Lompoc, a city 30 miles away.  

By Pismo they had covered 50 miles and thought it be wise to cover 30 more. Sadly, saying goodbye to the beautiful coast of Pismo, and the DUI slapped locals that were forced to use bikes as a means of transportation (transportation for the beer they just picked up at the liquor store), they headed on toward Lompoc.  

As they headed into a remote woodsy type surrounding, night was falling fast and again on went their bike and christmas lights.  

Riding into the night is now one of their favorite parts of the trip.  

Yet, again needing directions and food they stop at a gas station where they met a very large disarming ex-cop. He shared the good ol’ days when he used to bike, like the time he toured through Canada.  

After some great stories he let them know they were screwed because the area had no camping grounds.

Ahhh, yes hit the guys slow. Sweet reminiscing and then hit them with the cold truth.

What to do? Stock up on coffee and powerbars and keep riding. Enjoying the ride through the bare and remote area they biked alongside trains, tracks and the occasional big rig under the blackened sky occupied with thousands of glowing stars.  The night belonged to them or so they thought.  

20 miles later it was time to find a nice cozy bed of grass to sleep on. Ben, with his military flashlight rigged up on his handlebars, swerved his front wheel back and forth to scope out a potential camping spot.  

To an outsider he may have looked drunk, so it was a good thing it was dark.

They spot one, so a couple of the guys slid down the hill to check it out. A ravine alongside Highway 1 near Orcutt ends up being their space of delight.  

Yes, I will be hiring these guys to book my future trips. “I’m looking for a good drainage spot to sleep in. Do you know of any?“

When they found this little gem of a spot Ted texted me, “We’re stealth camping in a ravine off of RT 1 near Orcutt. Don’t post this info until we get out alive.“

It was a bit of a hill, so one by one they lowered their bikes and gear and hopped behind the hill while forming a little barricade behind trees. Not even setting up tents they laid out their sleeping bags, pads and strung up their christmas lights.  Feeling tired, yet to wound up to sleep. Excited chatter filled up the woods.  

For an hour they joked, laughed and Ted even read Bike for Kam’s Day FOUR post to the group.  

Finally, it was time to discipline themselves to sleep for tomorrow is another full day of biking. Andres commented that again he heard some little animal rustling through the bushes in which I replied, “Was it Ted? Maybe someone is playing a practical joke on the group. Did it have fur?”  

I’m not sure why Andres is the only one that hears these “alleged” creatures in the night, but alas I am just the reporter.

This morning at 6 AM Viet’s sleeping bag had ice on it and everyone woke up freezing cold.  Quickly packing up they pushed their bikes up the hill one by one and headed to Lompoc, a brutal 5 mile climb.  

The motivation? Breakfast awaits in Lompoc.  Now, when they called me this morning they made it to the top of Lompoc and were laying in the sun for a quick break while I listened to the tales of Day FIVE.

With less than 150 miles away a Saturday, Santa Monica Pier arrival is looking good!

Currently we are at 81% of our fundraising goal with $16, 177 raised thus far. If you have been reading the daily posts you can clearly tell they are having fun.

With almost 7 weeks into developing, launching and making ‘Bike for Kam’ project happen, it has been a great first grassroots project with my 7 friends, both old and new.  

Throughout this week as I sift through their pictures and try to capture their experience I can’t help but reflect on my times as a kid among the summer of endless possibilities.

When I see the guys pictures of warm sun shining down on their bikes, I remember my old biking days. The first time as a kid when you receive your very first pair of wheels and adopt this freedom and an "anything can happen" spirit.  It’s just you and the wind and nothing can stop you, and I’ve been reliving those moments of mobility and child-like adventure through my friend’s week long journey.  

With the guy’s nervous parents, siblings and girlfriends contacting me, or patiently awaiting the next update, I feel like the guys are living like kids.  

Obviously, they are men and adults, but no matter how old any of us get we are all still young and it’s good to remember that at any age - there is still much growing to do.

It's good to live out those child-like moments every once in awhile. I guess they have been.  

I’ve been trying to work on a personalized gift to give to Viet, Andres, Ted, Mikey, Hieu, Ben, & Steve, but don’t think I will finish by the time I fly to Los Angeles tomorrow morning. I’ll have to mail it to them when I  finish. My plane ticket is booked and I will be flying to LA to meet them at the finish line.

Please show your support by DONATING and sharing their journey with your friends.  We thank you all for your commitment, donations and help with spreading our little project around. 

TO VIEW PICTURES FROM DAY FIVE CLICK HERE

On SUNDAY, May 1, 2011 there will be an after party to celebrate the team’s arrival, all the hard work and the DONORS. Please, come join us and invite your friends!!  DETAILS HERE

It’s Day SIX: Friday, April 29, 2011

It's day six, 5 AM in the morning. I'm writing this as I pack.

Last night, Day SIX, the guys called me at about 11 from Carpinteria, Ca. It sounded like they were crashing at a state beach but it seemed more like a parking lot.  Starting their ride at about 5 AM, Friday morning they woke up to ice on their sleeping bags and freezing cold weather. Two major climbs in Lompoc the first one being a 900 mile ft. climb and then a fast descent down the hill.

 Carrows restaurant was excitement of the day, their first real meal in 24 hours. Up until then it’s been McDonald’s and gas station junk food that assisted energy needs.  

After lunch they grabbed some subway and burger king to take on the road with them.  They’ve learned to have food on them at all times.

Lompoc climb #2 was a brutal 16 mile climb with nice blooming hills to offset the excessive roadkill on the road.  

Hieu received a flat about 8 miles up the climb and vultures kept circling him and the team as he fixed the tire.  

Talk about incentive to move quickly.  I’m not sure Andres’ slingshot would be of use in this situation.  With the tire fixed and moving on,  Hieu received the award for highest speed clocking in at 44mph downhill.

Arriving at Gaviota beach the coast, pier and beach was just beautiful.  

Unfortunately, beauty sometimes pays and Ted, Viet and Ben all developed some really bad allergies. Ben, the team’s designated navigator, lost his eye sight. His eyes were that swollen.  

What was the team to do?  Their live map couldn’t see…who would read the map now?  

Right away Ted got a flat on the beach. At least their was lovely music (the sound of the waves) as he fixed his tire. Returning back to the freeway and then a stop at Refugio Beach, Goleta Ca was next in line.  One of the paths up against the ocean was blocked, so jumping fences and sneaking around the little set back was required.  

A fun little trail that cut through some campgrounds let them to get back on the freeway toward Carpentia Beach.

At this point the whole team is having trouble with their achilles tendon and Andres is having trouble walking.  Ibuprofin and other pills are now like after dinner mints, continously popping them and passing the pill bottle down the line.

Getting back to the 101 Andres’ tire went flat.  If you are noticing a trend here the team has collectively garnered many flats throughout the trip. They are now experts at changing them.  

In Goleta their fine dining experience consisted of 711 convenient store and as they chowed down they came across a crew of very interesting characters. One was a grad Professor from USD Santa Barbara who said he would pass Bike for Kam around his college and student list. He was impressed with the team’s efforts and spent a good amount of time sharing our story with him.  

Next they met a much older gentleman with a California tatoo running up his arm, a tattoo he got at 17 years old.  He wished the guys well and commended them for how great they were doing.  

Another woman pointed them out and said that she saw them a few miles back on the freeway and how fast she thought they were going. They were now the “Fast and the Furious” team. They needed to get home.

Back on their backs they moved toward Santa Barbara where the civilization starting looking more familiar.  A nice gradual descent of day to night they took the residential route from Goleta through Santa Barbara.  

A great bike path they were covering lots of ground with the wind on their side and arrive at State Street, Santa Barbara; a happening stretched out downtown. As they rode through the street they received some thumbs up, cheers, but hardly noticed these praises due to strip’s temptations.

Restaurants, bars, the nightlife, it was all too tempting as they really wanted to stop and hang out with the locals, the locals being beer that is.    

But, they knew they needed to cover alot more ground if they wanted to arrive in Santa Monica Pier, so responsibly pressed on.

Coming out of the downtown’s State Street a huge windstorm came around the corner virtually knocking the team off their wheels.  

The team almost fell.  The wind caught onto Andres’ hat and turned his handlebars and pushed him into the curb. Forced to be more careful the headwinds were crazy strong and were barely making progress.  

Collective decision was to take the residential route where they faced a steep climb. By this time the streets were lined with blown down trees and branches and heavy debris blocked their sight.  

This street would eventually lead them to Carpinteria. Since the wind was drastically slowing them down they considered on stopping for the night and grabbing a hotel.  

Locals said the nearest hotel was Carpinteria, so they had to keep going anyways.  

Strangely, a tail wind picked up and they arrived at State Beach where they considered a hotel. There they made a decision to press onward to Ventura or break for the night. Andres’ dad, Romeo from Glendale, was waiting in Ventura with his bike so he could finish the tour with them.  

Team was just too tired and decided to break for the night. While a hotel would be comfy and warm, they kind of grown a liking to camping and decided to do just that. They weren’t technically allowed to camp at the beach so planned to stay and leave before anyone knew they were there.

They planned to get a couple hours sleep and wake up at 2 or 3 AM to Ventura and ultimately to Santa Monica Pier.

They biked a total of 16 hours yesterday and I could hear it in their voices. Their voices sounded a little different than the previous days. Tired, exhausted, in need of a good meal and warm bed.  I think they are ready for home and for a little while will give the ol’ bike a break.  

With 80 miles left in their 500 mile stretch they are now biking towards home.  

Viet texted his wife, “Biking back to you right now. Love you, miss you”

I’m packing up a bunch of the stuff the guys left in my house as well as a box of choco pies I promised Hieu at the finish line.  I’m afraid one day I offered him a Korean Choco Pie and now he’s hooked. See you in LA! 

TO VIEW PICTURES OF DAY SIX CLICK HERE

Currently we are at 86% of our fundraising goal with $17,222 raised thus far. Thanks to all of you. It has meant so much.

At 3pm, Saturday, April 30, 2011 Mikey, Hieu, Andres, Ben, Ted, Viet and Romeo crossed the Santa Monica PCH finish line.

What a moment it was seeing them bike down the path, wearing their team shirts and team grins.  They were tired, smelly, dirty and wonderful.

TO VIEW FINISH LINE PICTURES CLICK HERE

Little Kam Looking for Adventure

It’s Friday, April 22, 2011 and I’m prepping for the boys arrival in San Francisco.  Some are driving in today, some are flying in and taking the train tomorrow and others are flying in on Sunday.  Tomorrow I’m making them a big team dinner and so I’ve been cooking all day.  You might wonder how I am able to cook with a disability.  It’s alot of work and takes alot of planning and thinking ahead.   I love to cook and as the condition has progressed it takes me longer and forced to spread the load over a larger gap of time.  So, what I used to be able to cook in a day may now take me two days to complete.  I still do it, because I love it and it means alot to me that I still can do it.  I’m hanging onto these things that I love to do…Hanging on with everything that I have.
When you can’t do things you spend alot of time thinking of creative ways to do it anyways.  I can’t ride a bike or join my friends on this adventure, and while the adventurer in me would love to join, I can’t.  So, I designed a “lil kam” doll to go with them in my place.   I’m sewed Kam doll today and though it was my first time every sewing and my hands and fingers were weak and shaky, I finished her!  Because my HIBM is now starting to spread through my arms, hands and finger I’m losing muscle in forearms which makes dexterity difficult. Opening pens or grasping small objects, such as a sewing needle, is difficult.  Doesn’t mean I can’t still do these most things – it just means I have to work that much harder to do things like I used to.  

Anyways, it was really fun creating my first little doll and she is now ready for adventure.

Mountain. Toilet. One in the Same

I haven't posted here in awhile but so much has been happening. I'll be back soon.

Meanwhile, visit www.bikeforkam to see what I've been up to. Bike for Kam 500 mile trek has begun! My friends are biking up a mountain as we speak, and I'm stuck on the toilet trying to get up. 

I'm resting and will give it another go in just a minute here...

Coming and Going

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Couple days ago I finished drawing out these tshirts.  

Front and back version; a bike coming and going.  A company is screen printing out the team's shirts, but I wanted to make them available if anyone else wanted to buy and wear them the week of the ride.  

So, if you are interested you can get them on cafepress.com.  I've never used this website and these are my first t-shirts I've sold online.

I think I may start designing some other t-shirts, though I really hate how much of the profits cafepress gets. Smart company.  

Here's the link to buy. I didn't really mark them up for profit because I wanted people to actually buy them. So, $2 commission sales on all shirts goes directly to ‘Bike for Kam’ fundraising project.

Purchase Bike for Kam T-shirt Today on CafePress (click here)

Other than that I have alot to say but not feeling particularly eloquent right now.  Not that I usually am, but for this one I'll just be spouting out facts.

Bike for Kam is going well.  We are nearing our 50% mark with $9,256 raised. That's great! Thanks to all who have been supporting.  

The fundraising is great, but a whole new audience has been building.  People who didn't know about HIBM know about it now, and that is more important in many ways. Building that audience.  Sometimes it feels like a very slow process and you have to do alot for a little, but patience is virtue.  Sometimes the work and waiting has to be at other's pace and not your own.  

Besides, we are knew to this.  I have been helping ARM for years, but Bike for Kam has been a one man band in terms of all the logistic work. It's not like I can just take a break because there are emails or papers waiting to be replied to.  I have to keep in it to keep the project moving forward.  Fortunately I have some passionate and fun guys to keep me going because I feel broken down and provincial at times.

It's not like building campaigns, websites, PR and strategy is my background or something I'm well versed at. I'm kind of just learning as I go and follow my instincts.

Just because something isn't your profession doesn't mean you can't learn it and so I try.  I try not to get caught up in what I don't know and just do. I'm probably doing alot of things wrong, but when you are the only one doing it you do the best you can.  

I feel like I've been working on this project for forever even though donation lines have really only been open for what? 2 weeks?  It's tiring and in many ways worse than a fulltime job. I have to be on call for emails, constantly sending out emails, PR, updating website, know the status of project and next steps and then as mentioned in the previous post -- it's emotionally taxing.  

After all, I'm not just some hired PR or marketing person attached to a project, I'm attached to my own, .to myself, to others like myself with this condition. Being "with" yourself is draining and I think most of us do alot of work to distract this from happennig.  But, alas it's not the case for me.  So, it's tiring.  I'm also working on other projects and in the job interview playground.  April has been an unusually busy month.  Bike project, job stuff, visitors every week/end coming and going for the month of April. It's all good things, though.

I had a friend in town for a week. My friend of nine years. It was tiring but wonderful having her here stay with me. We don't talk or see each other on a consistent basis, but we just pick up where we left off whenever we see each other.  It's one of those friendships where I can completely be myself and don't actually need to play "host".  

She has known me for many years which means throughtout the years she has witnessed the progression of HIBM.  We reminisced the first time she saw me. I was wearing a knee length black skirt and high heels.  

Skirt? Heels? What are those?  I can't even imagine wearing heels.  We had a great time, though. Non-stop laughing during her visit. Laying in my bed putting on mud masks and cooking for each other each night.  She was wonderful at helping, too. She could lift me and I was surprised since she is shorter than I.  

In our more serious and intimate conversations she expressed that she was sad that "this" was happening. Not pity sad. Just out of love, sad. Alot of people don't get to see that struggle or when I cry.  They just see my facebook picture which is always followed by the comment, "You look great", as if that fact is what makes it difficult to make the connection that yes, something seriously is wrong with my body.  I don't feel great.  My body is my constant alarm clock on an epic snooze cycle.

She said she was proud of me. I miss her.  I miss having my close friends around me. I was sad when she left as the house instantly became quiet again. I love a full house and I love the kitchen in constant use.

This weekend a couple of the guys from LA dropped off their bikes so it's one last thing to worry about next weekend.  One more week until the guys hit the coast!

Can't believe it and they are totally geeked. I'm looking forward to our pre-bike hangout next Saturday. They are all flying in and I am going to cook them a ton of food before I pat them on their butts and push them out the door.

Ok, no patting involved, but there will be food!  It's nice to see them so passionate, especially about something that not only benefits themselves but others too.  They've been great and though they are new to this fundraising world they have been sticking with it.

Those are all stories in themselves, but I'm too tired to type it out.  It was good that the guys happened to be in town the same weekend that Jason was out.  He flew back home for a funeral and since I am not used to being alone for long stretches it was a challenge. But, I was just really careful and I found most of my day was taken up with cooking a meal, washing dishes and getting dressed :/.

Man, I'm slow. ;)

I'm trying to get back to my personal illusrations. Haven't really done one in a month.  Now, I feel like I'm rambling so I think it means I should shut the computer off.  If you are reading this keep passing our bikeforkam.com project on and thanks for all the support. :)

Pillow Talk & Tears

I did this one pretty quickly.  Kind of just wanted an image to go with this post, but unfortunately these days don't have time to illustrate.  

I have an itch, though. I really want to hop back on and do more since I have a ton of ideas backlogged in my head. 

I actually wrote this post Monday in the middle of the night.  I post notes in my phone when I think of something. Sometimes they don't always make it on here, but I jot them down anyways.  I have to type them, because these days writing for any long stretches of time are difficult on my little fingers.  The other day I was filling out a form. What for? Hmmm, Oh, right I was filling out the skydiving forms before I took my plunge.  Pretty much signing my life away in case I died while jumping out of a perfectly good airplane - as my father puts it. But, my fingers were so weak it was hard making it through those forms.

Journal Post, Monday, April 4, 2011 /  Time: all night

Jason and I were up pretty late. I watched him hunched over his computer sending out personal emails to fellow blog artists, friends and family requesting their help in pushing Bike for Kam around. He was frustrated. I was frustrated. Now, Jason isn't the type to get worked up about too many things.  Luckily, we seem to balance out those moments. When I'm a mess he is usually the rational one. When he's a mess it is I that comes to the rescue.  He gets overwhelmed with multi-tasking, prioritizing or things that seem to big to handle, and I get overwhelmed with emotions and my desire for big dream schemes.  

But, he was clearly frustrated.  He was hoping for responses to his sincere personal requests in helping to repost or network. After all, we are just a team of two. My bike riding friends are just a team of 4.  We need more team members.  

It's hard doing it alone. Some of my friends are frustrated, too, mostly because they are not as familiar with this nonprofit world or PR and marketing and probably expected a greater response.  

"I deal with this all the time", I say "...don't worry".  But really, I'm worried. Of course, I want it to do well.

How do you get people to care or to understand the urgency?  Is there a magic strategy? Some things you can put off, but a debilitating condition you cannot. Posting something once doesn't do it. Rather it is a 24/7 endeavor for someone such as myself and sometimes the rewards don't seem to fulfill all the time and the emotions put into creating something such as this Bike for Kam project.

Jason doesn't really experience frustration much, because admittingly he doesn't put himself into  many things. Pretty much just me and his art. This way there is no way of getting hurt.  He is my support, but it is normally I that takes my shields down and pushes myself into the fires of vulnerability in hopes to have listening ears fall upon me. But, that is what happens when you take ownership of something so personal, you start taking it personally however, illogical your feelings or accusations may seem. So, he was feeling it.

We were up nearly all night. Ok, it WAS all night.  I couldn't sleep. He couldn't sleep.  I was in such pain and my shoulders were horrible. I couldn't move them. I felt like they were attached by rubber bands. Rubber bands that were ready to break.  I felt like they were lead weights that someone had sewn onto my torso as an after thought. They were weak and I could barely grasp and squeeze my soppy tissue around my nose. My fingers were weak, too. Those significant stages or milestones of progression can cause alot of turmoil and fear and well endless crying.  The physical feeling combined with the elements of exposing yourself publicly can create quite the combination of insecurity, self doubt and questions.

It was 3am and I saw a friend on skype.  We sometimes skype in the middle of the night. We can, because of the different timezones. This person has HIBM, too.  This person didn't sound well and the vibrant person that I first met is having increased difficulties, both emotionally and physically. I listened. Or rather, I read.  To an outsider they may respond in worry that this person is not handling it right or needs help.  But in our inside world we know that these types of emotions are the real side of life.  Besides, it's not about not having the doubts or insecurities, it's about having them, but still choosing to proceed.  We are in it 24/7.  Others can come in, pat us on the back and then can leave it at their will.

I was upset reading her words on my iphone skype chat. It sucks. It makes me mad that I can't help her. I hate HIBM. I hate seeing and experiencing what it does to others.  There is nothing more I can do to make myself better, there is nothing I can do to help this person whom I care so much for. I don't want them to progress. I feel defeated and tired from all the work and was hoping for greater response. I gave myself to it. I opened my life.  

Sure, I've been public about HIBM for the last few years, but the insecurity never goes away. It's hard sharing so much of yourself.

I was crying and said to Jason, "I'm not sure what more I can do. I keep working and hoping--I'm so tired, I'm not sure there is more I can do. There's nothing I can do to make it better for me. There is nothing more I can do to make it better for her."

As my arms feel so differently than a couple months ago, I'm the one living with this, crying into my pillow at 3am, because it hurts so much, in the most tangible and intangible forms. 

Usually the pain motivates me. I cry, I get discouraged and then I search in my mind, "What else can I do? What other tricks do I have up my sleeves?" and jump right back on.  

But at times, I wonder if there is any motivation great enough to beat the odds. I don't mind throwing myself into work and giving everything I have if I felt it mattered.  If I feel a response.  It sounds horrible, right?  Afterall, I'm not a conditional person. I do it to do it. I do for others, because it's the right thing to do.  Not because of a prize or some great promise. I mean, yes, there is the motivation of treatment, but I am also practical enough to know that a treatment won't happen tomorrow. There's alot of red tape and stages that these types of things need to endure. But, I'm investing for the long term, because what I do today may mean something tomorrow.

As I had difficulty squeezing that soaked, sorry looking tissue around my nose I said to him, "I don't want to be around to see my body like "that". I'm not sure I can bare it."  

Again, no need to be alarmed, but these are real feelings and I am willing to bet not just my own.  The good thing about the condition is it progresses over time, so there's an adjustment period as well as the feeling that the new weakness just snuck up on you.  The bad thing about HIBM is it progresses over time.

Jason had to lift me up so I could pop some ibuprofen. It barely helps, but barely is all I've got. Somehow among my tears I grabbed my phone to make these notes.  I guess that is the subtly of knowing I'm ok. For me to even care to make notes, so I can share later, must say I haven't given up yet. If I was truly hopeless I wouldn't spend time writing notes.  

It gives determination, but I'm sometimes worried about the day I won't feel so determined anymore...

We were both lying on our backs feeling discouraged. I grabbed him as a sign of "It's time to move my legs", but could barely intertwine my fingers to his.  I usually grab him to show him how to help.

"Could you move my leg slightly to the right? My thighs are rubbing against each other and it's uncomfortable." I said.

I told him, "I'm not sure how much more of myself I can share."  The reality is everyone has their problems and busyness. I watch different organizations and people that need help all the time and I feel bad. I carry the weight for them as well.  How can we be enough for all those in need?  They share the same plight, they are looking for listeners, they are in need, too. So why am I complaining?

I try to understand the perspective of onlookers. I'm sure it is shocking to some--especially those close to it, or old friends who don't see the progression on a daily basis. A young girl whose body is slowly dying? 

Some people when they see scary things they become paralyzed by it.  I wonder if it is hard for some to hear it, and it's scary so they don't know what to say, so they say and do nothing at all.  

It's the equivalent of covering up your eyes during the scary parts of a movie and saving yourself for the happy ending. I'm slightly different in that I immediately slip into gear and imagine ways to help or problem solve. Fight vs. Flight.  But, everyone is unique and different, and handling issues by no means follows a catalogue or list of instructions.  

So, I wonder, how do you get people to care? Is it that you get someone big involved and then everyone will follow? Is it a popularity contest?

"Come on, Kam, think...what else can you do?"

The thing is it takes people awhile to process such an intangible concept of deterioration, of a dying body, of the daily struggle.  Even my friends who are doing this ride, they said they didn't realize, how they didn't know and now a few years later today they come to my side with helping feet.  It takes time. The problem is "we" don't have time. Muscles are dying. Time is of the essence.  But, still, I have to be a patient patient. I have to keep going even when I don't want to.  Jason says people probably see me as always strong, but I'm not sure I am.  I need motivation, too. I need revitalization. I really need encouragement.  I sometimes worry about the day when my motivation is no longer there and I don't have anything left to keep pushing.

In these down moments I feel childish and foolish. "How could I be so silly in thinking that anything is possible?"

I'm so silly for caring so much. My idealization gets me into trouble, or so I think. My optimistic ceiling caves down on me. But, however foolish I may feel for letting myself be so vulnerable, I retract and say I'd rather approach life, work like this than the other way.

And so, in those moments I'm forced with the same decision as before. Give up or Keep going?

I think we all at times are faced with this question...

______________________________________________________

SO, that was my post, and the moment from a long Monday night.  Feelings are feelings and when it's tough they can't always be controlled.  Keep going and have faith. The great thing about such a project is you see the ones who are really there for you.  We don't always have those opportunities to experience the ones who will be there when we need them the most, so when the opportunity arrives it's good to pay very close attention because if ever you are the one that needs help, you will at least know the ones who will be there to hold you up. AND, it is always the unlikely ones who step up, I've noticed.   It's not always your family or "close" friends, the ones you hang out with on a daily basis, party with or have drinks with.

Through the week the project has gained some wind and momentum. We've seen reposts and great donations. We are getting some coverage and I've been emailing Bike Coalitions, shops, blogs, etc. in hopes that maybe they won't mind posting about us. I ask you to do the same, too.  At the very least those who didn't know about HIBM may know now. That's success, right?  I guess all one can do is be patient and have faith in others and keep sharing. 

I know for some finances are tight, but seriously even $5  $10 helps. Don't feel like what you do is too little. Not just for this project, but everything in life. It just keeps moving the project forward, and if you can't donate then spread it like crazy. That's JUST as nice.  My little brother raised nearly $800. None of it his own money, because he can't afford it either, so he asked multiple friends to give a little ($20), collected it and donated it as one lump donation. 

Wheeeew, that was a long post. I hesitated about sharing it, because I didn't want to come off judgemental. It's an emotional ride sometimes, but we can do it!  My next post will be my skydiving video---yay! fun!

 

Bike for Kam's First Article: A Ride To Remember

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It's been really busy. Networking and PR can really take it out of ya.  Two nights ago I had a pretty bad night.  Feeling alone and hoping to see involvement. I didn't slept all night.

Feeling better now, though incredibly tired.  Not just from all the work for the bike project but I have other projects I'm juggling, too.  I'm also oddly still sick. I had the flu for 2 weeks, 4 weeks ago, and since I've still been pretty sick.  Cold, allergies...mmmm, not sure.  I'll post my thoughts from 2 nights ago just because it's probably important to share those really down moments.

I have them from time to time. Absolutely. 

Now, for the good news. Meredith Skrzypczak, Editor  from Rancho Palos Verdes, CA Patch, has just written our very first article.  Cool!

“A rare disease has a former L.A. resident fighting back as she starts “Bike for Kam,” a grassroots project culminating in a 500-mile bike ride.”

“What you are before you become disabled … you’re still that same person,” she said. “I’m still the same person. … I still care about living life, if anything more.”

Check it out: A RIDE TO REMEMBER

Disoriented

I just woke up.  My body feels like it was hit by a tank and I am incredibly tired.  

It's 1 'oclock in the afternoon :/.  Yikes, I never sleep late.  

Everything hurts, my ears are ringing, my head is hurting, my teeth and my eyes are sore.  I am trying to pull myself together because an editor from Patch, paper from Palos Verdes is doing a phone interview with me on the project bikeforkam.com . A friend asked his friend to help, and this is the result.  You see?  Have to keep talking about it and asking around because you never know what will happen.  

Here is a sneak peek pic from yesterday where I dived in Cloverdale, Ca with Norcal Skydiving. Awesome group of guys. When I have a chance I will post a video and the story.  I think I am tired from, well the dive and a busy weekend, but have been barely sleeping in general.  

I feel like ground meat, and not the organic kind.  I've been waking up every hour.  

Saturday before the jump I had like 2 hours of sleep and during the week wasn't much better.  But, not last night. I slept like a dead person and had some really epic dreams.  I sometimes forget the way, and the amount, I work and the things I do would make any "regular" person tired.  But, it was worth it.  My birthday weekend was probably the best I have had in years. Usually I don't like to make a big fuss about myself and practical when it comes to spending money on things, such as my birthday.  But, it was good. Take those moments.  

Anyways, need to push myself back into all the work that is awaiting me.  I didn't have a chance to do alot of PR work over the weekend because I was out of town.  I did keep checking the site and saw we had 500 visitors and maybe 15 or so donators. I try not to get discouraged.  After all, it's only been 3 days and I know it requires alot of work on my behalf, as well as the team, friends, colleagues, family, etc. get it out there. Lots of work ahead. Cheers!

Please take the time to Subscribe to, www.bikeforkam.com

I Did It. I SkyDived

Well, I skydived for the first time and didn't faint or hurt any bones. It was crazy...different than I imagined. I'm getting old, though because I'm so exhausted. Pulled off in a winery field and taking a nap under a perfectly blue sky. The weather and scenery is simply gorgeous. Talk to you soon.

The Next Day

Here's a short post. I'm feeling better today. I feel released from alot of work I've been tied down with lately.

Yesterday was pretty bad. We launched the project and I was so tired. My arms and fingers were so tired, and each shoulder felt like they had ten pound weights on them. It gets scary on days like those. The recognition of a new weakness luring around. I cried for most of the day, for more reasons than one.

Tired from working all night to launch, tired from all the content I had to write about, tired from being so wrapped in HIBM, feeling odd from being so exposed even though I've done this so many times before. I guess I don't want people to feel sorry for me. It's a silly feeling, I know but a feeling is a feeling. It's not always logical. Anyways, it was a pretty bad day. It was a bad time and a very bad sob session that lasted for hours and hours.

I had no problem letting it all out. It's hard imagining not having use of my arms.... But, I got some rest and today is beautiful as I'm hopping wineries. Had a good meal. Drinking some good wine and coasting through nature. There are those really bad days and it's about hanging in there so you can reach the good days. I feel relaxed and ready to tackle my next load of tasks and ready to sky dive as a way of bringing 32 years of age.

Coming Soon: Bike for Kam

Hey!! ~ I've been really busy lately.  Working alot on this grassroots project that my friends and I are launching.  

Should be soon.  Been working hard at building a full-on website and gathering the team. Here they are above.  Steve is 99% done with the promo video and I am really excited for people to see it.  I cried when I saw a rough edit.  It is weird. I know I have this condition. I live with it but I don't center my life around it.  I try to still live despite it.  

But, seeing myself talk and explain the severity was really hard. I was almost shocked.  That happens every once in awhile.  I'm shocked just like everyone else.  After all, you usually just watch 'those' people on TV or the news, you're not supposed to be one of them.  I cried, because it was like explaining to myself the reality of the severity and it is a hard thing to swallow.  I try not to be fearful. I try to not let it lead me but sometimes it grabs me and the tears come.

Anyways, I'm probably just tired.  This type of (design) work takes alot of hours and days...mostly because we are doing everything ourselves.  Everything is volunteer.  Our time, our money - it all comes from us.  I've been really excited, but right at this very moment I have some insecurities if it will do well.  I hope it does...I think I feel this way right now because I've just been working on it for so long now.  But, it has been fun setting it up - I must admit.  More fun that any other ARM event or project that I've done over the years.  I think it is because there is a sense of ownership and this is our thing and our way of expressing the method of giving.  

Sometimes I feel overly worked and consumed with advocacy and I want to help others help, but I can only stretch myself so thin.  Many times people want to help, but they just don't know how to or they feel like anything they would do is not enough.  It's hard for me, because I can't be everywhere and provide materials and planning for everyone that wants to help.  Though, I wish I could.

In the website I'm building I had each of the members write a small bio. I want people to feel like they know us. I don't want them to see us as just doing a charity, but regular people sharing their lives and through it hope that someone will listen. One of the riders, Viet, sent me his bio this morning.  It was 6am and I opened it on my iphone.  I was laying in bed and I started to read it to Jason.  I couldn't read it clearly because it was making me cry, so he read it for me.  I guess many times we don't really express how we feel to one another, particularly for guys as it's not fashionable to show vulnerability.  The times I feel like no one is listening or no one 'see's' the reality -- I am proved wrong when I read such words written about me, and I realize they see exactly what is going on. They are sometimes just at a loss.

I'm incredibly thankful to the guys for taking off a week of work and putting their time into this project. It means more than I could ever express.  I'm not sure if they know it, but I feel like I'm on this marathon sometimes, and like all of us, sometimes we need that encouragement, that motivation to keep pushing on.  

I know I do.  

Sometimes, I just want to give up and leave it all, too. I've been needing more help, I'm just burnt out.  It's not just the work, but I put alot of myself into the work.  My whole being is involved and I really do care about everything I try to do. They, and this project, are my water station in the race, my encouragement that I'm not alone. My towel boys. It's better doing the work when there are others alongside you. 

In his bio Viet said he has always wanted to help but didn't know how.  Previously, I've always shared about ARM, the organization that funds research efforts to HIBM medical research, but I realize it is not about the organization that people care about, it's about the person.  I've invited friends to Galas and Telethons, while underlyingly feeling guilty, because the tickets were expensive and you get all dressed up to be in a room of people that you don't know.  This is not the type of thing that my circle of friends would be into anyways.  We position our perspective on charity around these typical notions of how it's done, but really it doesn't need to be that way.  We can re-invent and create anything we want to.

I've found that everything stems from motivation. You either want to or you don't.  If you want to then you find a way to, show it through actions, and don't provide excuses for why you don't or can't.  

There's no excuses like 'Well, I need these materials or I need you to provide me with this, or I can't because...'.  If you TRULY want to do something, you will find a way to do it.  You will find a way.  And, that is what my friends that have signed up for Bike for Kam are representing.  They've found a way. They don't know the particulars of the science that revolves the HIBM research world, or know about nonprofit culture or the order of commands or structure, they are just doing what they know and love - bike riding.

The fact is -  if you ever want to do anything in life all you really need to do is first, look at what it is that you love to do, and then go from there.  Is it art, exercise, writing, baking, church, PTO, sports, party planning, music, running, crafts, bowling...? and then use that as a platform to fundraise.  Use your birthday or holidays as an opportunity to fundraise.  There doesn't need to be a certain structure or criteria -- it just needs to be done.

I love people who rather than make excuses why they can't, they just do.  Use your passions and interests to lead you in life.  We sometimes compartmentalize our life and think we need certain skills for certain compartments when really everything is connected.  Do what you already do well and stretch it to every avenue. 

I have the same set of insecurities as everyone else. Every time I start a drawing or a project I wonder if I will be able to deliver or do it as good as the previous.  I wonder if my previous success was a fluke and I am afraid of failure as much as everyone else. Skill is one thing, but outlook is something entirely different.  I don't think it is my "skills" that matter.  When I start something it is the motivation and passion that kicks in.  I take myself out of the equation and my subconscious takes over.  Do what you already do well and multiply that.  Throw your passions in the air, because there is  place for all of them...there is a place for everyone just as you are.  You just need to put yourself out there and create your own space.  If you have passion, you have everything.

With that, yes, I am excited about this upcoming project.  It's not just about raising money and awareness, but it's about friendship...it's about experience.  It's about old friends, new friends, and it's us learning more about each other and bringing out the best potential.  I don't mean to be a weepy mess, but I'm very grateful that they have given their time to do this.  It's really inspiring. I feel inspired. I'll do my best to not feel insecurity that the project won't go well.  At least we tried, right?

With that, if you are reading this please pass around our project when it is officially launched :).  There's a possibility of launching the web address tomorrow. We need you!

Weekend Synopsis: I May be Disabled but I'm Not Dead

For this post I thought I would share what it is I do on weekends.  Hey, I may be disabled, but I'm not dead. Not every weekend is filled with excitement.  I'm either working, cooking or exploring.

First, I just saw an edit cut of the Promotional Video for the 500 mile Bike ride and it is awesome!  It made me cry and I can't wait to launch the project with my friends.  It's going to be fun and I am glad that they get something out of it, too. Experience. Can't beat it.  I'm building a full on website and Steve is finishing up the final edits of the video. You'll read about Steve later.

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So, for this weekend I pretty much stayed in and I got the itch to give myself a cooking project. Something that I had not tried before - as if I needed to pile on more projects onto myself.  I can't help it. I get bored and have to give myself something challenging or new to do or I'll go insane.  Jason always rolls his eyes when I suddenly decide to cook something that is "unecessary" or "ambitious".  Mostly because he would be fine with Spaghetti-Os. This is my audience.  

I think he wonders why I put the trouble into things. Why not just make it easier on myself?  I'm sure it comes out of concern because he doesn't want me to overwhelm myself, but I always explain to him it's something I love to do and if you love something, you do it. It's not something I want to take for granted.  I want to enjoy it while I can.  It's my mental break away.  It's a mini project that I can start and complete within an hour....mmmm, ok, sometimes 3 hours....or 10...whose counting?  He doesn't seem to complain when chomping down on the finished product. :)

This weekend I made Mandu, a Korean Dumpling, from scratch for the first time.  It was fun.  A very good exercise for my weak fingers.  

Towards the end I was getting frustrated. Frustrated from being tired, but frustrated from not being able to lift the soy sauce bottle or shuffle 2 steps to the right.  But, I finished! It was a good cooking exercise.  I noticed with some Korean cooking, like Chapchae, and these little dumplings, that there are a lot of steps in seasoning. Every ingredient, like the meat mixture, then the chives, then the mushrooms/onions, and the tofu, you mix and season them seperately, then combine them in a bowl and mix once more. Seasoning!! Very important in all cooking. Create the balance.  Love and season every section so they all sing together.

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After I finished making the Mandu, I of course tried making Ddeok Mandu Guk.  It's a Korean soup and one of my personal favorites. It's kind of equivalent to Chicken Noodle soup, yet so much better. The key is all in the broth.  If your broth is not good, then you don't have a good soup.

This was from a couple weekends ago. One of those exploring weekends.  I went to the Best Coast concert at the St. Regency Center in downtown SF. I like their music. Check them out.

It was a fun experience, lots of sweaty people who don't see the girl sitting in a wheelchair.  It was so crowded and I was packed tight like a sardine among a bunch of raving sardines. I was right at the front and couldn't really see the concert. This girl that was next to me befriended me and started chatting it up.  She is a graphic designer for Modcloth.com.  She eventually asked me why I was in a chair.  I suspect everyone wants to ask this question, but they refrain out of fear of reaction.  I don't mind talking about it. I figure if I do that just means one more person who didn't know about this rare condition now does.  

So, she was surprised and said,

"Wow, you seem really cool. Must be hard for you to be out in this type of siutation (crowded concert where no one cares about you)."  

I said, "No, not really"

She seemed a little surprised and I could tell in her face she was thinking that one over for awhile.  Eventually she started tapping on the tall shoulders of all the people swarmed around me. She didn't think it was right that I couldn't see the concert even though I was nearly at the front of the mob. She started pushing people and telling them, "If we work together, we can do this".  

She was sweet and even got a few people to move.  Most of them were kids, too young to care or understand.  I was actually fine with sitting there and listening while not seeing the performers.  I try not to go out in the world expecting people to give me special treatment because of my disability.  I prefer to see people come to it on their own, like that girl at the concert. We took some time to get to know each other-she thought about it-and came to the conclusion of trying to help out the situation.  She did it and it wasn't me that forced myself onto others telling them they should treat me a certain way because I'm "disabled".  She was slightly successful in moving the crowd, but it was too loud for people to care. The musicians were ripping and everyone was in the moment.  She eventually disappeared and moments later I felt a tapping on my shoulder.  It was security. They pulled me to the side and told me to watch the concert from the side of the stage and told me if I ever come back to tell 'so&so' manager that I'm there and they would take care of me.  I saw the girl in the hat as security pulled me out of the crowd and she smiled at me. She didn't tell me she was the one who told security to help, but I think it was her.

Other things we did that weekend was stop by Oakland's huge elephant sale, Farmer's market and did some cooking.  It was good.

This particular weekend I had an itch to go explore downtown San Fran. Look at graffitti, some art, eat some food and then we hiked over to a Regional Park near us. It was great!  Ran into a few Banksy's and seen they had changed. Someone trespassed his 'No Trespassing' art.

I kind of like graffitti art for the very reason that it feels very temporary and vulnerable. Any one can paint over it at any time and weather ages it.  It's not art that is protected all wrapped up tight in museums.  

Some of the graffitti we saw was pretty amazing. The amount of time it takes to do a wall mural for something so temporary is interesting.  So, I admire the reason to do something more than the final product.  Like Goldworthy or Christo/Claude who create environment works of art that only last a short time. Though, as much as I love Christo the amount of money it costs to fund those projects is astounding. I sometimes feel the money could go to something more needed but I still like it.