Hey!! ~ I've been really busy lately. Working alot on this grassroots project that my friends and I are launching.
Should be soon. Been working hard at building a full-on website and gathering the team. Here they are above. Steve is 99% done with the promo video and I am really excited for people to see it. I cried when I saw a rough edit. It is weird. I know I have this condition. I live with it but I don't center my life around it. I try to still live despite it.
But, seeing myself talk and explain the severity was really hard. I was almost shocked. That happens every once in awhile. I'm shocked just like everyone else. After all, you usually just watch 'those' people on TV or the news, you're not supposed to be one of them. I cried, because it was like explaining to myself the reality of the severity and it is a hard thing to swallow. I try not to be fearful. I try to not let it lead me but sometimes it grabs me and the tears come.
Anyways, I'm probably just tired. This type of (design) work takes alot of hours and days...mostly because we are doing everything ourselves. Everything is volunteer. Our time, our money - it all comes from us. I've been really excited, but right at this very moment I have some insecurities if it will do well. I hope it does...I think I feel this way right now because I've just been working on it for so long now. But, it has been fun setting it up - I must admit. More fun that any other ARM event or project that I've done over the years. I think it is because there is a sense of ownership and this is our thing and our way of expressing the method of giving.
Sometimes I feel overly worked and consumed with advocacy and I want to help others help, but I can only stretch myself so thin. Many times people want to help, but they just don't know how to or they feel like anything they would do is not enough. It's hard for me, because I can't be everywhere and provide materials and planning for everyone that wants to help. Though, I wish I could.
In the website I'm building I had each of the members write a small bio. I want people to feel like they know us. I don't want them to see us as just doing a charity, but regular people sharing their lives and through it hope that someone will listen. One of the riders, Viet, sent me his bio this morning. It was 6am and I opened it on my iphone. I was laying in bed and I started to read it to Jason. I couldn't read it clearly because it was making me cry, so he read it for me. I guess many times we don't really express how we feel to one another, particularly for guys as it's not fashionable to show vulnerability. The times I feel like no one is listening or no one 'see's' the reality -- I am proved wrong when I read such words written about me, and I realize they see exactly what is going on. They are sometimes just at a loss.
I'm incredibly thankful to the guys for taking off a week of work and putting their time into this project. It means more than I could ever express. I'm not sure if they know it, but I feel like I'm on this marathon sometimes, and like all of us, sometimes we need that encouragement, that motivation to keep pushing on.
I know I do.
Sometimes, I just want to give up and leave it all, too. I've been needing more help, I'm just burnt out. It's not just the work, but I put alot of myself into the work. My whole being is involved and I really do care about everything I try to do. They, and this project, are my water station in the race, my encouragement that I'm not alone. My towel boys. It's better doing the work when there are others alongside you.
In his bio Viet said he has always wanted to help but didn't know how. Previously, I've always shared about ARM, the organization that funds research efforts to HIBM medical research, but I realize it is not about the organization that people care about, it's about the person. I've invited friends to Galas and Telethons, while underlyingly feeling guilty, because the tickets were expensive and you get all dressed up to be in a room of people that you don't know. This is not the type of thing that my circle of friends would be into anyways. We position our perspective on charity around these typical notions of how it's done, but really it doesn't need to be that way. We can re-invent and create anything we want to.
I've found that everything stems from motivation. You either want to or you don't. If you want to then you find a way to, show it through actions, and don't provide excuses for why you don't or can't.
There's no excuses like 'Well, I need these materials or I need you to provide me with this, or I can't because...'. If you TRULY want to do something, you will find a way to do it. You will find a way. And, that is what my friends that have signed up for Bike for Kam are representing. They've found a way. They don't know the particulars of the science that revolves the HIBM research world, or know about nonprofit culture or the order of commands or structure, they are just doing what they know and love - bike riding.
The fact is - if you ever want to do anything in life all you really need to do is first, look at what it is that you love to do, and then go from there. Is it art, exercise, writing, baking, church, PTO, sports, party planning, music, running, crafts, bowling...? and then use that as a platform to fundraise. Use your birthday or holidays as an opportunity to fundraise. There doesn't need to be a certain structure or criteria -- it just needs to be done.
I love people who rather than make excuses why they can't, they just do. Use your passions and interests to lead you in life. We sometimes compartmentalize our life and think we need certain skills for certain compartments when really everything is connected. Do what you already do well and stretch it to every avenue.
I have the same set of insecurities as everyone else. Every time I start a drawing or a project I wonder if I will be able to deliver or do it as good as the previous. I wonder if my previous success was a fluke and I am afraid of failure as much as everyone else. Skill is one thing, but outlook is something entirely different. I don't think it is my "skills" that matter. When I start something it is the motivation and passion that kicks in. I take myself out of the equation and my subconscious takes over. Do what you already do well and multiply that. Throw your passions in the air, because there is place for all of them...there is a place for everyone just as you are. You just need to put yourself out there and create your own space. If you have passion, you have everything.
With that, yes, I am excited about this upcoming project. It's not just about raising money and awareness, but it's about friendship...it's about experience. It's about old friends, new friends, and it's us learning more about each other and bringing out the best potential. I don't mean to be a weepy mess, but I'm very grateful that they have given their time to do this. It's really inspiring. I feel inspired. I'll do my best to not feel insecurity that the project won't go well. At least we tried, right?
With that, if you are reading this please pass around our project when it is officially launched :). There's a possibility of launching the web address tomorrow. We need you!