Disabled people like sex, we talk about sex and, yes, we can have sexxx.
Society has compartmentalized pleasure and love as only an able-bodied experience. Disabled people are perceived as asexual, disinterested, unable, void of desire or sexual agency, and talking about sex is most definitely taboo especially when it involves disabled people. This irritates me.
Ability is a subjective term.
Many non-disabled can’t have sex or need assistance. There’s a multi-billion pill industry specifically assisting men, and yet it’s disabled people who are unfairly stereotyped and dehumanized as sexually “broken” or indifferent. This lie is aided by the lucent TV box booming subliminal messages of what is acceptable and not, omitting that sex, sexuality and relationships come in all different packages and styles. Disabled people aren’t typically on magazine covers, and films rarely depict us as love interests without pity or passionately entrenched in love-making. What we don't see, we don't know, and this lack of visibility creates ignorance that disabled people have all the same human desires as non disabled.
When we envision sex, we often imagine it has to look and feel a certain way - thrashing bodies, arching backs, and robust writhing. However, I can no longer do any of this. I have a rare muscle-wasting condition that has been depleting my muscles into nonexistence.
For disabled people there’s an extra enigmatic layer around dating, relationships and intimacy. ‘How is this going to work?’ is not a question relegated only to prying eyes from strangers, yet also an internalized ember burning deep within. When you have an accident or are born with a disability and reach the age of sexual intrigue, no one tells you how sex works in this (new) disabled body. In fact, many doctors say your life, including your sex life, is over as they told me.
When I first learned I would be disabled for the rest of my life in my 20s, I formed a grim perception of my future regarding love and sex, a product of internalized ableism ingrained in my mind, as in all of ours.
To survive, one must begin relearning their body, including intimacy. This can be challenging, as you compare yourself to an ideal image, disrupted by thoughts about others' perception of you. Before you know it, you’re in a threesome with insecurity as the third entity in the bedroom.
My progressive condition has been about adapting and challenging myself to find new ways to achieve my desires. It's been about being imaginative and resourceful, using props such as pillows, wedges, and sex chaise to support my body's needs. I've been lucky to have an active & healthy sex life throughout my progressive disease, but it required effort and overcoming anxieties.
Confidence doesn't mean a lack of insecurity. I can get down as my body weakens and I can no longer move in certain ways. But the trick is not letting these fears limit me more than my condition does, because living life and experiencing its pleasures and my sexuality is too important to me. This has been one of the greatest gifts of this progressive disability. It has pushed me beyond insecurities and comfort, and for this I'm forever grateful.
As I've lost mobility, sensation has heightened at an equal pace. I'm more sexually and mentally connected to my body than pre-disability. I credit this partly to my disability and partly to experience and time as a near-46-year-old woman. During intimacy, I feel most connected to my body. I can get lost in my mind and the moment, and thus in my body. Although I'm typically in constant pain, sex releases feel-good endorphins; a natural pain reliever, antidepressant, exercise, physical therapy, immune booster, and sleep aid.
What my disability has taught me is that clearing my mind is essential. If I'm distracted by thoughts about how I can't move or my insecurities, then my mind will never be present, and neither will my body.
Think of sex as a meeting of the minds rather than a meeting of the bodies.
We typically associate sex organs with gender-appendages, but our brain is the largest sex organ, dictating our physical sensations, determining what we find pleasurable and exciting. This is why dirty talk can be arousing for some, even without contact.
Intimacy is about being present; it's not about the body as much as we think. When your mind is present, you can experience how the body is intended to feel more clearly, because you're not weighed down by insecurities or fears of what the other person is thinking.
Knowing that sex is more mental than physical, it shouldn't be surprising that losing sensation or mobility doesn't necessarily mean the end of experiencing pleasure and sexual connection. For example, did you know you can have an orgasm just by thinking about sex? This was mind-blowing when I figured out how to do this, pun intended.
Disability and sex are not monoliths; everyone's experiences are unique. There are many ways to adapt and explore, so don't give up just because something looks or feels different. I've read stories of men with SCl who have zero sensation below the waist but can orgasm by rubbing their thumb. The sensory structures in our bodies are like a complex highway system, and the mind is a marvelous playground.
Everyone deserves love and intimacy, never forget this. To overlook yourself as worthy because of what your body looks like, or how you move, speak, hear, or don’t, is a great disservice to the spectrum of love and sexuality. This rigidity we place around an idea or person only serves to smother imagination, missing out on infinite unique paths of pleasure andintimacy that can unfold.
I want to normalize sex and disability. I want glass walls of ignorance to come tumbling down. I want disabled & non disabled to see that we can be loved, and have fruitful intimate relationships, openly communicating our needs and desires without shame. Disabled people aren't victims, and we aren't someone you need to overlook nor feel sorry for, so don't discount us.
Follow more of my mini-memoirs, writing, and disability, travel and accessibility musings @ https://instagram.com/kamredlawsk
