She's Got Legs, She Doesn't Know How to Use Them

May 11, 2018

So, even though at times it feels like I've lost my physical grace and feminine expression through the loss my leg's function or the hands that apply my make up, I know it is not these things that hold my image, yet it's because I can't do these things and what has resulted because of it that really adds the pages to my own book. All that is waiting is for us to author and accept it.

We need to find it within ourselves to be ok and happy with who we are. If you're not ok, then no one else will be ok with you.

Uncertainty Is Certain

May 2, 2018

Uncertainty is a friend of mine.

The unknown is uncomfortable for most of us but we don't know how much until it's staring us in the face. For some of us the reaction is to become further unknown. We feel emotionally isolated and thus further isolate ourselves.

What I have learned about uncertainty is life is to be lived and not controlled and as much as I’d like some control over my body and this life, control is merely an illusion…for all of us. “We don’t know the future, much less control it. And yet we continue to believe in the illusion of control. We face a chaotic and complex world, and seek to control it.”

What is Rare - A Look at Oliver Sacks and the Human Condition

March 7, 2018

“I cannot pretend I am without fear. But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude. I have loved and been loved; I have been given much and I have given something in return; I have read and traveled and thought and written. I have had an intercourse with the world.

Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege and adventure.” -Oliver Sacks

What Is Inspiration?

February 27, 2018

This is an old one but still one of my favorites. For me it exemplifies an array of inner struggles.

When you experience a life-altering change, it's difficult. When that life altering change is unforgiving and relentless in its taking, it can feel like some colossal cruel joke. And, when you open yourself and your life as an advocate - for a condition that worsens every day - balancing the constant loss and sound advocacy is just another level of difficulty.

I have GNE Myopathy, formerly named HIBM. GNEM is a rare genetic and degenerative muscle condition that ravages until there is nothing left to take.So far I've lived with GNEM for 17 years.

GNEM condition fits under the “Orphan Disease” or “Rare Disease” umbrella. A rare disease is any disease that affects a small percentage of the population, therefore has not been adopted by the pharmaceutical industry because it provides little financial incentive for the private sector to make and market new medications to treat or prevent it.

LA Times 'Abandoned as a baby, she gets a priceless gift'

July 26, 2017

“I had been housed, but did not have a home.

Adoptees universally are told their biological parents adored them so much that they offered them up to a better life. It is a nice theory, one that has no trace of ugliness,” she writes.

I'm deeply impressed by Corina’s writing. It doesn't aim to be above you or smarter than you. It aims to share an intimate space in time. For a moment. A rarity today.

“I discovered that faded, typewritten assessment years after being adopted by an attorney and a real estate agent in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, when I was 2. As a teenager, I would take the papers from my mother's desk drawer without asking and pore over them when the house was quiet.”

Infinite Seeker - November KoreAm Column

November 15, 2013

Follow my editorial column at: www.iamkoream.com or their facebook page.

Here is the published November issue. I share my experiences as an orphan, an adoptee and general journey.

You can always catch up with me on my Tumblr, Instagram or Facebook page.

Read Infinite Seeker

UPDATE: All these Koream links are not there anymore. To read any of my column visit here: http://kore.am/?s=kam+redlawsk

Ponytale

September 24, 2013

Last month I tied my hair for the first time in years and it frustratingly took five minutes to achieve. The whole time I thought, "This has never been hard in the past. Not this, too"…

I Am a KoreAm Journal Columnist

September 24, 2013

It (HIBM) already has enough of my life and I sometimes I resent giving it a bigger spotlight or platform than it deserves. I know why I need to share and I don't mind doing so but sometimes I just want to be "Kam". No story to be told, just another boring, nameless body in the crowd…

Playing Art Catch-Up

May 28, 2013

Hello? Is anyone still out there? I highly doubt it. What am I averaging, a couple posts a year now?

I'm hardly followable. I get it. I barely blog now. I know, terrible. I'm not sure why.

I guess I go in swings where sometimes I want to write or draw it out and other times I get myself into distractions and focus on living and enjoying life rather than dispensing my emotions or running, errrr, rolling to publicly catalogue it.

During those times, I barely let anyone know what I am doing. It's kind of like me not wanting to share everything about myself. I suppose, I want some pieces to hold that I only know about. I need that, too. I can't be mentally in HIBM 24/7, even though there is no real way to take a break from it, distractions or not.

If I'm asked about my HIBM I certainly don't mind talking about it. In fact, I'm glad if they do. I'm glad if they feel brave enough, or even better, unphased with asking me what is obviously on their mind. But if no one asks then I normally don't want to bother people and I spare them the details. With that, I guess I haven't been in the blogging or drawing mood. I go in waves.

Drawing allows me to shed what I'm feeling without burdening others.

There is a sense of calmness and working through the journey of emotions when I journal them through drawings and I need to be better at making time for them. If I do keep progressing, which will most definitely happen if treatment doesn't draw nearer, I too would be interested in seeing the timeline of progression and moods through art. But I'm still hoping I won't see that day.

The thing is, I only share my drawings and my life because I want to motivate results and action. I don't want to be just an "inspiration" because most inspirations are momentary and then forgotten about.

What am I supposed to do with that?

It's not tangible. It's not something I can apply to the here and now, so I have very little reaction to "you're an inspiration". True inspiration motivates action. I guess I want action. I want passerbys to get involved.

I share my art for this reason and not to be watched from the sidelines as I deteriorate, hearing the words, "your art is so inspiring or you're so inspiring". It's not right for me to feel this way but sometimes I get upset about this and I become discouraged and sometimes stop drawing or blogging. When I feel like it doesn't matter, I withdraw. It's like a dagger to my heart. I open myself up not to be noticed but to perpetuate action.

I find myself thinking that I don't want to hear how sorry everyone is ten years down the road when I'm already deteriorated, especially when something could have been done to prevent me from getting that far. I guess, I'm not interested in seeing sad faces ten years down the road when something could have been done.

These thoughts are unfair but honest. I know things don't work out like this, it's no ones fault or duty, and patience is needed but time is always weighing on my weakening shoulders. Literally.

With that, I realize I haven't posted art on here in a whileIn fact, I have only completed a couple new drawings in the past 6 months. I need to get better. I have, however, been in four art shows that I never blogged about on here. For now I'll upload some of my newer drawings but you can always view them on my Facebook page

I'll get back to drawing this summer.

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