I wrote a 3 day Instagram series share on sex and disability in honor of book release ‘Love, Lust and Disability’ that I donated art to; a collection of stories and art by 50 disabled contributors covering dating, sex, relationships and disability. Handi, founded by disability consultant and activist Andrew Gurza, felt it was time that sex toys were accessible. This book’s proceeds is meant to benefit the first accessible sex toy line that is currently in development. Order this book in time for the holidays (and check out their toy development) at: thatshandi.co/collections/pre-order

My instagram 3 day series copy and paste is below:

Sex Talk, Part 1:

This is going to be a 3 part sex talk Instagram series so join me every day this week on my Instagram!

PSA: Disabled people like sex, we talk about sex and yesss we can have sexxx! This is one of my favorite topics that I’m passionate about and want to speak more on in the future to break misconceptions and stigmas for both the able-bodied AND disabled community as I think both sides have been bound by incorrect rules and images of what relationships, sex and sexy looks like. Sexy is a state of mind. All other opinions are unnecessary.

With that, I’m happy to announce I’m part of a book called, ‘Love, Lust and Disability’! Handi, founded by disability activist, has put together a collection of stories, art, poetry and photography by 50 disabled artists, influencers and activists in the disabled community, covering romance, dating, sexuality and disability. They reached out to me and asked if I’d contribute art so I donated some drawings to their book. The profits from this book goes towards the FIRST inclusive and adaptive sex toy line for disabled people! Disabled contributors also receive a small percentage of sales (which I think is great and responsible!) though I’m donating my percent to the development of their first hands free sex toy ‘Handi Joystick’ as I think this is such an important thing.

‘Love, Lust and Disability’ is available in e-Book, Audio & Hard copy (obviously my art is only available in the HARD and e-book copy). Book starts shipping in December so order today in time for the holidays here (*international shipping available) Follow me the next few days @ Instagram.com/kamredlawsk for more sex talk derived from my personal experiences! #kamdraws #rethinksexy

Sex Talk, Part 2:

When you find out you’re going to be disabled one of the first things you may think about is sex and dating. “How is this going to work?” is not a question specific to curious prying eyes from strangers yet also an internalized one that burns deep within you. A few years ago I did an essay for my column on how able-bodied perceive disabled and sex titled: ‘Sexability: When You Have A Disability, What Happens To Your Sex Life?’ It covers how society views disabled as asexual, disinterested, unable...so I’m not going to repeat, but encourage you to read after finishing this post.

After time passed when I first found out I was going to be disabled at 20, I came to understand my own doomsday perception of my future with love and sex was not because of my future in disability yet internalized ableism that had been hatched into my mind - into all our minds - from day one.

Many able-bodied can’t have sex or need assistance (there’s a multi-billion pill industry specifically for assisting sex for able-bodied) and yet it’s disabled who are stereotyped as sexually broken and/or indifferent. And we, aided by media’s lucent box booming subliminal messages of what is right and wrong, drastically omit that sex, sexuality and relationships comes in all different packages and styles.

What sex looks like within the disability community contrasts greatly. Some can feel, some can’t. The community varies with hundreds of different conditions that affect every body and mind differently so I’m not pretending to be an overall expert, rather speaking from my own experience. But what we all have in common is adapting and becoming enlightened to the fact that sex and pleasure comes in many forms.

Disabled men and women experience different gender role pressures and stigmas that we must contend with. Disabled women often are fetishized, and our first thought when going on a date or engaging in sex is safety, as we are physically vulnerable. Disabled men have the pressure of feeling they have to fulfill the power and performance role and if they can’t, they’re not worthy. This is wrong. We’ve been drilled with bedroom images of gender and ability roles of how people and sex should look and feel. And this unfair boxed-in lack-of-imagination greatly stunts our progression toward sexual enlightenment.

When we envision sex we imagine thrashing bodies, arching backs and robust writhing, but I can’t do much of any of that anymore. My condition is a muscle-wasting one that slowly depletes nearly every muscle into nonexistence. It doesn’t affect sensation, though. As I’ve lost mobility physical sensation has only heightened at equal pace, and I’m far more sexually and mentally connected to my body than I ever was pre-disability. Part of this I credit to my disability, the other to experience, time and age as a 41 year old woman.

When we think of sex organs we think of gender appendages yet our mind is the largest sex organ we have. When you think of it it’s our mind telling our body to be excited, all the communication and stimulated action begins there. Sex is far more mental than physical, so just because you lose sensation or mobility, the ability to experience pleasure and sexual connection is not over. Did you know you can orgasm just by thinking of sex with (insert person)? This was mind blowing when I figured out how to do this, no pun intended. I’ve read stories of men with SCI and zero sensation below the waist that could orgasm just by rubbing his thumb. The sensory structures in our bodies are more complex and amazing than we realize, and the mind a marvelous playscape. My sex life post disability is far more liberating and freer than pre-disability, and much of this was about letting go of my perceived inadequacies, being in the moment and open and present beyond the physical space. I can get lost in my mind, in the moment and in my body.

During sex I feel the most connected to my body. I’m usually in constant pain but IN the moment of sex all sorts of endorphins release. Sex is actually healthy; it’s a pain reliever, anti depressant, exercise/physical therapy, immune booster and helps you sleep (use this “health benefit” on your partner next time 😉). I’m more mentally in the moment and have learned to completely release myself from any expectations and control, and this has enhanced my sensory and sexual experience so much more.

To overlook us or yourself because we can’t walk, move, speak or hear is a great disservice to the spectrum of sexuality and how pleasure and intimacy unfolds. This rigidity we place around an idea or person smothers imagination. We think sex and love looks and feels a certain way and in doing so we miss out on so much variation and the infinite unique paths to pleasure.

Photo credit of couple (above): Instagram.com/enriplantey / Instagram.com/trianaserfaty / Instagram.com/sexistomas

Sex Talk, Part 3:

When you have an accident or born with a disability and reach the age of sexual intrigue, no one really tells you much about how sex works in this (new) body. In fact, many doctors say your life is over like mine did when I was first diagnosed back in Michigan.

In many ways talking about sex is still taboo, especially when it involves the disabled. There is so much stigma around this topic for us. We see violence and guns all day on TV and yet sex, one of the most natural aspects of being human, is the thing we’re shielded from. 

When I first became disabled 20 years ago of course dating and sex came to mind. I was initially insecure, but with time I built up confidence. I’ve been fortunate to have an active and healthy sex life throughout the stages of this progressive disease but it didn’t come without work and relaxing anxieties of how I’m being perceived. Now, confidence doesn’t mean I’m void of insecurities. Anyone who pretends they are confident all the time is lying to you. But the trick was not letting those fears limit me more than my condition already did, because living life and experiencing its pleasures was just too important to me. This has been one of the greatest gifts of this progressive disability is that it has pushed me beyond insecurities and comfort, and for that I’m forever grateful.

Do I get down as my body weakens and I can’t move in certain ways anymore? Of course. But it’s mostly been about adapting and having fun creating new ways to reach the desired end. I can still do most things, but it’s about being imaginative and making use of props like pillows, wedges, sex chaise and the like to assist the milestones of my body.

With time I’ve learned sexy is more about attitude than what you can or can’t do. It’s about how relaxed and into your partner you are, and being open to discussing wants and needs. It’s about the confident vision you have for your life and your quest in achieving these things. When I realized this I saw that partners didn’t care as much about my disability as I did. They cared about what I projected. They didn’t look “past my disability” either. They were aware of it and then we moved on. Communication is key when it comes to mechanics and pleasure in general so we shouldn’t be shy about it. For me through the stages of this disease I’ve had to be matter-of-fact on what I needed, what I could or could not do and how I needed to be moved or assisted. There was no way to avoid this conversation and I think this combined with my already open personality has made me unafraid of communicating. 

I find it interesting that able-bodied people even shutter away from discussing desires and needs with their spouses or partners. Talk! There is nothing dirty about sex. We shouldn’t feel embarrassed too. I’ve found most partners prefer communication because, disabled or not, how is one to know all the ins and outs of another person’s body? We can’t. I’m pretty open with my husband (Jason) about what feels good or what’s working or not, and I expect the same from him.

The reason I think sex and pleasure is so important to talk openly and honestly is I find a lot of people bare secrecy or shame about this subject and this can result in destructive behavior and/or self-loathing. There is nothing more harmful than shame around who you are or sex. Shame has an evil way of permeating lives and creating social societal issues. For me, I don’t care what your lifestyle is so long as it’s consensual, not abusive, exploitative or involving children. Other than that your bedroom business is your business and I wish we’d stop wasting time trying to force people to live the relationships and sexual life we deem to be correct. We should have permission to talk about our fantasies, desires and needs, and this goes for the disabled community. 

I think being able to communicate and having equal access to pleasure is important, so I was delighted to hear from Handi and their adaptive sex toy quest. Handi was founded by disability consultant and activist who felt it was time that sex toys were accessible. I donated art to their book project ‘Love, Lust and Disability’; a collection of stories, poetry and art by 50 disabled contributors covering dating, sex, relationships and disability. The book’s proceeds is meant to benefit Handi’s sex toy line that is currently in development. 

I’m an industrial (product) designer so this is the very type of thing I could design. In fact, my first job offer in LA was from a sex toy company. This was before sex toys became cool and designery and instead were fairly utilitarian and cheap looking. I pitched that sex toys need to sex it up and add high design into their products; a standard now in the business. Ultimately, I didn’t take the job because I was still fresh and shy from Midwest land and didn’t know how “sex toy designer” would look on my resume. But as I’ve progressed, this (adaptive sex toys) is something I have thought of and have design ideas for, but there just isn’t enough time in a day for all the ideas I dream up, so I’m glad someone took the initiative.

I want to normalize sex and disability. I want both able-bodied and disabled to see we can be loved and have fruitful sexual and intimate relationships. We aren’t victims and we aren’t someone you need to overlook nor feel sorry for. We are just different as all bodies, able or disabled, inherently are. We’ve been fed all these rules - whether by society, media, political or religion - of what we can or can’t be but we don’t have to be anything but ourselves. In accepting myself I learned I had it within me all along. 

Order ‘Love, Lust and Disability’ today to have it shipped in time for the holidays at: thatshandi.co/collections/pre-order

Thank you for following my 3 day Instagram sex talk series in writing! Feel free to share these thoughts and spread the good word that sex and disability is normal and a-ok! I think a lot of what I shared isn’t just for disabled but applicable to all of us who have insecurities and self-imposed limiters.

Conclusion:

I’m very open about this kind of stuff because I think being closed about anything serves no one, including yourself. Dating and love in general is difficult. It’s challenging for able-bodied, too. But disabled have an extra layer of hardship and much of that is due to stigma and misconceptions that we aren’t human with the same needs and desires. We must combat all this just to get our foot (or wheel 😉) in the door. I share because I never want disabled, or anyone for that matter, to feel they aren’t enough or won’t be able to find someone. Some of the most important first steps is getting rid of our own internalized ableism about our own bodies. You will inevitably meet mismatches and close-minded people, but don’t let that deter or distract you because that means they weren’t the right one. Continue to put yourself out there and have the confidence that you’re worthy of love and companionship. You will find it and it will find you if you keep going!

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